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NTM 1 7 June 1999 (morning edition)
EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Lizbekistanís Minister For Tricky Things By Jupp, Galasnost Top Crackhead. This interview took place on a sunny day in Cafe Quaffs in the Mall in Downtown Lizbekistan on 4 June, 1999. The Minister For Tricky Things arrived suntanned and relaxed in an Armani suit and rolled joints throughout the five hour interview. He had a terrible time at one point trying to find the bathroom, and returned with a stain on his Armani pants cuffs. The Minister For Tricky Things, however, has promised not to SUE This Reporter for the TRUE THINGS REPORTED because of the extremely embarrassing photos he offered in exchange for THIS EXCLUSIVE REPORT. By Jupp,
Interview with Nick Q/Galasnost
GALASNOST: Oh yeah? What are you wearing? Minister For Tricky Things: You ginger haired pervert GALASNOST: I'll ignore that (I show him the photos)...As I was saying, as Minister of Tricky Things, what can you say you've accomplished in your tenure? Minister For Tricky Things: Too tricky to say GALASNOST: Give it a try. I'm reporting for Galasnost Le Journal pour les Gens celebres ý Lizbekistan. Minister For Tricky Things: The mise-en-place of HRHís first Macintosh computer GALASNOST: How did you figure out how to plug it in? Minister For Tricky Things: Kate Moss told me. GALASNOST: Who told Kate Moss? And what's her title? Minister For Tricky Things: How did the first chicken know how to cross the road? As regards Kate Moss, my lips are sealed. GALASNOST: Darn. Okay, how do you find living and working in Lizbekistan? Careful, you're peeing on yourself. Minister For Tricky Things: Tricky because it's very hard to find the country, and even when you do, you're not really sure when you in it. GALASNOST: What about the free booze? (I order a third pina colada, and the Minister guzzles freely from a bottle of Absolut vodka)...Isn't that just a come on for the Norwegians? I also understand there's no prostitution in Lizbekistan. I mean you are involved in tricks, correct? Minister For Tricky Things: Everything is legal in Lizbekistan, and anything that isn't, can and soon will be legalised. GALASNOST: Are you involved in the legislative process? Minister For Tricky Things: For a fee, yes. GALASNOST: And what about the food? What do Lizbeks eat? I heard a rumor that they eat each other. Could you confirm this or will you flatly deny it as a vicious lie? Minister For Tricky Things: Lizbek citizens are free to do as they chose in the privacy of their own homes, however cannibalism is not encouraged on major thoroughfairs as it tends to cause traffic congestion. Sloppy stuff, too. (The Minister rolls his third, lights it, inhales and coughs for 10 minutes). GALASNOST: You okay? Here drink some of this (I hand him a bottle of Grenadine). There' that's better. Okay...now what of the Princess? Princess Liz. I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that she is a ROYALE BITCH. You obviously are close to the Princess, you have her inner ear, youíre her right hand man, in effect, youdaman! youdaman! youdaman! She's got money, men, power and a brand new bicycle. But the Princess is hard on the worker bees and tends to shower for hours using up all the hot water in Lizbekistan. What do you know about this that you could share with us? Minister For Tricky Things: On matters pertaining to HRH Minister For Tricky Things: MY Minister For Tricky Things: LIPS Minister For Tricky Things: ARE Minister For Tricky Things: SEALED At this point the Minister For Tricky Things fell off his chair and the interview ended. To be continued...... |
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