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NTM 1 du 17 july 1998 (afternoon edition)
By Jupp, War Breaks Out in Lizbekistan!!!!
17 July 1998
DOWNTOWN LIZBEKISTAN--
Yes, yes, its true. That dreaded three-letter word is on the lips of nearly everyone in Lizbekistan,  even the normally taciturn Minister of Silence, Sylvester Salami, who reportedly yelled, "Holy Shit! It's those guys from ibm.net  with malfunctioning power adapters coming at us." The Cafe Boulard Crowd hit the deck and several bottles of complementary World Cup  98 Beer were busted in the free-for-all that ensued.
The Reasons For War are many and often complicated, dragging sometimes entire cultures into the dirty muck of misunderstanding, maligning even the littlest and most innocent of beings. For example, Fellah, the pee-every-where feline of Jdot Stinger , Lizbekistan State Terrorist, was hiding behind the  refidgerator   when the ibm.net people launched a barrage of worn out scuzzy cables at Lizbeks. Fellah coughed up a "mean hair ball" followed by a mouse he'd eaten earlier in the day. No way to spend a night in Lizbekistan, no siree bob.
But the REASONS, yes the reasons: It appears that the Minister of Proper Gander, Mister Rose Matthew , alledgedly stole the secret files of ibm.net point man Steve Bard (Internet:bard@ibm.net) and flashed some fancy fireworks over the heads of the ibm.net clones. "I was just trying to be funny," Minister Rose Matthew said from her bunker. General Bard, who is often dressing up in Elizabethan clothing, according to Jdot Stinger who has photographed the "Bard of Broadway  ," (General Bard maintains headquarters in the old pornography parlors of Old New York) last summer during a Shakespeare  in the Park Excercise in which Macintosh Users and Supporters of Open Architecture were lured there with the promise of Sonnets and Sweet Surprises (READ: FREE RHEINGOLD BEER  and Ginger Candy).
General Bard immediately declared WAR on Lizbekistan promising to "raze that illicit land of lubbering bohos" saying
Thou qualling sheep-biting horn-beast!
Thou beslubbering swag-bellied flirt-gill!
Thou fawning half-faced bum-bailey!
(Click on the insult to generate a new one.)
The Shakespearean Insult Kit (http://www.crinos.com/users/aforte/features/shakespear/shakespear.insult.html) generates insults based on the collected works of the Bard and is taken on the paper version of the kit that has been in circulation for years. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou".
Col 1
artless
bawdy
beslubbering
bootless
churlish
cockered
clouted
craven
currish
dankish
dissembling
droning
errant
fawning
fobbing
froward
frothy
gleeking
goatish
gorbellied
impertinent
infectious
jarring
loggerheaded
lumpish
mammering
mangled
mewling
paunchy
pribbling
puking
puny
qualling
rank
reeky
roguish
ruttish
saucy
spleeny
spongy
surly
tottering
unmuzzled
vain
venomed
villainous
warped
wayward
weedy
yeasty |
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Col 2
base-court
bat-fowling
beef-witted
beetle-headed
boil-brained
clapper-clawed
clay-brained
common-kissing
crook-pated
dismal-dreaming
dizzy-eyed
doghearted
dread-bolted
earth-vexing
elf-skinned
fat-kidneyed
fen-sucked
flap-mouthed
fly-bitten
folly-fallen
fool-born
full-gorged
guts-griping
half-faced
hasty-witted
hedge-born
hell-hated
idle-headed
ill-breeding
ill-nurtured
knotty-pated
milk-livered
motley-minded
onion-eyed
plume-plucked
pottle-deep
pox-marked
reeling-ripe
rough-hewn
rude-growing
rump-fed
shard-borne
sheep-biting
spur-galled
swag-bellied
tardy-gaited
tickle-brained
toad-spotted
unchin-snouted
weather-bitten |
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Col 3
apple-john
baggage
barnacle
bladder
boar-pig
bug
bear
bum-bailey
canker-blossom
clack-dish
clotpole
coxcomb
codpiece
death-token
dewberry
flap-dragon
flax-wench
flirt-gill
foot-licker
fustilarian
giglet
gudgeon
haggard
harpy
hedge-pig
horn-beast
hugger-mugger
joithead
lewdster
lout
maggot-pie
malt-worm
mammet
measle
minnow
miscreant
moldwarp
mumble-news
nut-hook
pigeon-egg
pignut
puttock
pumpion
ratsbane
scut
skainsmate
strumpet
varlot
vassal
whey-face
wagtail
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Princess Liz has asked all Lizbeks to rally round a nice cup of
Ricoré (or café allongé) and to hide all their Vogue Menthol Ultra Lights Available at
 .
"Those ibm.net dolts are really after our tobacco," she said in an address to the Nation. "So smoke 'em if you got 'em." for more war news go to www.lizbekistan.com (see Galasnost).
To be continued......
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