NTM 1 du 10 july 1998 (afternoon edition)

By Jupp, LIZBEK Liaisons
4 (or 10) July 1998 Part 1

PONT DES ARTS, PARIS--More than 400 hundred thousand Lizbeks celebrated the SECOND ANNIVERSARY of LIZBEKISTAN, most of them with paid-for prestigious posts, and swilled gallons of Champagne, paid for by LeavingHome.com and IBM .

Representing LeavingHome.com, a division of evansandwong, http://eandw.com, catalogers and nice guys,
was Christopher Evans , Princess Pro-Temporare and
Victor Wong , The Attorney General of Foreign Bodies, who offered "pretty okay" (TM) plastic champagne glasses all around. "It is a great honour to be with the People of Lizbekistan on such a busy day," they said. The Princess bowed and took a long pull off a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and announced, "Viva Le Booze."

The Princess who does not have a Policy towards a Free and Independent Taiwan, and has NEVER MET WITH THE DALAI LAMA , was resplendent in Day-Glo pink, vibrating as it were, the limitless power of BRIGHT COLOURS on a cloudy day.

After 20 minutes of thanking everyone for coming and for rooting for the Lizbek Football Team, now in the semi-finals of the World Cup, and naming every darn minister on a 4 meter roll of pink fax paper, she asked all Lizbeks to dig deep in their hearts, search through their memory bank accounts, and ponder in the depths of their souls, to "open your wallets and buy a damn passport already.
Lizbekistan is made of its citizens, that's the only way our country will grow, people are part of it. And you have money. So pay up."

The Princess then said she and Dionne Warwick, Ministresse For Horoscopes, (Do you know the way to San Jose?) were set to shoot a long-form infomercial to be aired on EuroSport before the Football semi-finals. Largely criticised for her so-called "fund-raising tactics" because they were "too pig-headed and obnoxious," The Princess's choice of Dionne Warwick (Your Future only $.9.99 a minute, plus tax) is a way of making The Red Tape and Lifestyle Kit as necessary as a mobile phone, but without the embarrassment.

Then, the fun began like a cat in a hamster cage...Sir Colin, Grand Vizier of Tartastan, Scourge of all home-owners, nemisis of all pension salesmen, Nirvana of all life insurance issuers. Honary citizen of Albania, Bolivia, Iraq, Member of the Wimbledon under 60's bowls club etc., AND official interviewer for LIZBEK STATE TV, went through the swelling crowds to make a report on THE STATE OF THE PEOPLE OF LIZBEKISTAN. With his cameraman, Sir Peter,Minister for Afghan Affairs, (who was about to cry into his potato salad with the English loss the Lizbek State Football Team, their tiny digital apparatus was thrust into many a face, including some Non-Lizbeks who thought wrongly that they had gotten away from it all with their bowls of potato salad and corn nuts.

The Minister of Spelling and Syntax , was, literally blown away by the affair, holding onto his trademarked RUG OF HAIR, for fear it would fly off into the Seine. With regards to the Seine, Crab Fluid Mechanic doctoral candidate, Nestor, was interested in whether this reporter had ever jumped into the Seine. Caught unawares, this reporter said, "I've thought about it quite a few times." Many of the BATEAUX MOOCHES, named so because the flies ride for FREE, passed beneath the proceedings without GIVING A GOOD DARN until LIZBEKS newly armed with high technology began calling them on the LIZBEK PORTABLE PHONES (TM), creating quite a stir as visitors soon passed showing the national colours: Pink Rear Ends and Rose-coloured breasts. "Quite chilly for that," the Princess noted.

A new regional product was launched on the anniversary of the country people voted in a recent poll "is pretty in Pink." This was the Potato Chip (TM), which comes in a silver foil bag and can be eaten directly with the fingers. No cutlery is involved. Lizbeks took to the Potato Chip quite quickly, rifling through 34 bags in about an hour. "Well have to get some more of those," the Princess noted, telling the Minister of Regional Products (CDD), Maurice Benayoun (who has a "black or gray SAAB convertible and his own mobile phone"), and Shopping Ministresse, Johanna Halford (who has no e-mail!) (and who was available only by her 3COM Palm Pilot Pager (TM)), to "put it on the grocery list."

National Photographer, Thierry Chomel arrived late but fully prepared in a Dr. Livingston I presume JUNGLE JACKET (TM); in each pocket was a necessary item: 1 Cornona Beer with lime wedge, 1 pair of Lizbek Sunglasses with Carotene (TM), 1 Underwater Camera and a selection of Slam Poetry, SMART, by Poetry Slam Lady, Miss Oliver (Cassette Only $10 if you order now). Alighting to the edge of the teeming Lizbek with his Konica, Minolata, pentax, Kodak throw-away, whatever, Chomel quickly went to work photographing the biomorphic mass known as The People of Lizbekistan. "Quite a crowd," Chomel told Sir Colin for Lizbek TV. "Who's that cute tall Lizbek with the short blonde hair?"

It was none other than CLEA, an emigrČ Lizbek who has returned to her roots, visiting Lizbekistan with her Godfather, the erudite Mistah Finch, Minister for Parsnips, who boasts the largest collection of Michelin Guides GSFINCH@CompuServe.com in all of Lizbekistan. "I have about 12,000. I also have a large collection of CORKS, some dating back to 1997. I often use them to plug up the holes in my life."

Clea, who was soon to find herself laughing away the post-sunset hours with Miss Oliver and Mr. Donovan , recently of "near Bordeaux somewhere," was pleased to know Lizbekistan had FREE CHAMPAGNE as a rule. "Clea's modelling career seems to be mainly lumbering down the runway and not wanting to take off," said Miss Oliver. "She's been to Greece, which of course explains all those Trojans running after her. Maybe she should make it big first in Lizbekistan and then try to tackle Toronto." Chomel, it was reported afterwards by Reuters, Agence France Press and Bloomberg's Financial News Network, took even more pictures of Clea and in the process boosted Kodak's Stock Price to an all time high. "She should never leave her Lizbek roots," Chomel said. "Toronto can wait."

Japanese starlette, Chiko and her loveable little black dog, MoMo, who rides around in her Velo-Basket (TM), held a little news conference of their own, Chiko c.shimada@wanadoo.fr announcing that MoMo was recently signed to a two year contract at Lizbek Film Studios to star in a10 picture deal about a Japanese starlette and her dog, MoMo, who rides around in a Velo-Basket (TM). Filming starts on the 14th of July. Lizbeks hailed the NEW LASSIE, toasting the mutt as "The New FLIPPER."

There was some dark news surrounding the positive events of the Second Anniversary of Lizbekistan, and most of these items concerned the affairs of the heart. "Well," said a Minister for High Technology & Certain Other Tricky Things who chose to remain anonymous (but his name is really Mr. Quinn) , "we made love on a bed of flowers. She was wonderful. I mean I really liked her. She left the next morning and promised to call. That was three months ago. She's obviously in deep denial." Was she Lizbek? "No, actually, I think she was American with some French thrown in."

Deep denial indeed. A recent Poll of Lizbeks on the Bridge, showed that nearly 5 in 6 Lizbeks is in some form of DEEP DENIAL with the remaining 1 in 6 in a mild form of DENIAL.

"That's not too bad," the Princess noted.

Along with the denial of DEEP DENIAL, many Lizbeks and non-Lizbeks asked themselves and each other: "So, what's the point of this Lizbekistan thing anyway?" The answers, steeped in DEEP DENIAL, echoed loudly throughout Lizbekistan as its citizens and ministers pondered the essential question.

"The point is simply to just keep on going," said Lizbek Designer Sir Martin Grant , slamming back his third bottle of Veuve Cliquot. "Don't ya think? It's like those ENERGIZER batteries." Grant, who designs dresses for the Princess from his SWANK SHOP on Rue de Rosiers in THE MARAIS, Outer Lizbekistan, was happy to see his old friends Linus and Nestor and promised to call them on their Lizbek Portable Phones when he gets connected to the INternet. Joining the party, Sir Toby Rose who was sorry he hadn't brought the ROYAL MUTT, MUTLEY to meet Lizbek sensation, MoMo, had this to say about Lizbekistan: "Can we all actually fit in there?" he said pointing to the Netscape browser.

Still others combined geography with swing. "Lizbekistan? Well that's near Hoboken, New Jersey, isn't it?" said Sir Cyril, Gorilla Filmmaker. "Well, I guess they've got to be there, how else to get to Hoboken to see the NEW FRANK SINATRA MUSEUM." Frank Sinatra , who died last month, adored visiting Lizbekistan. Ole Blue Eyes, who when last sang in Hoboken, his birthplace, was pummelled with rotten eggs and Ham On Rye sandwiches, and vowed he'd never return. To Hoboken, that is. He continues, even in DEATH, to visit Lizbekistan, however.

Lizbek artists were on the BRIDGE in Force. Yanna Bistrova wearing a typical Lizbek outfit: white skull cap and red mountain bike, showed off her newest "REPLACEMENTS," a series of small silkscreens depicting some of the more comical Aubrey Beardsley Japanese inspired pornography works, Durer's Adam & Eve and "some Eygptians getting it on on a Vase," with the appropriate heads machine-cut out, revealing a circle and the seminal rubber-stamped text :

Bistrova will exhibit these tender buttons in London (Attaché Gallery 24c/26 Charing Cross Rd. London - tel 00 44 0171 240 2578, each piece 800FF) and in Paris (info: 00 33 1 45 22 85 27), a suburb of Lizbekistan. She has also promised to "put up a couple for the Art of Lizbekistan Show to be held during the Gala National Cocktail 9.9.98, where her pornography will play off the pornography of other Lizbek artists, including the fallow images of State Terrorist Jdot Stinger.

To be continued......


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