I suggest I diamond crusted bone shaped in ivory with lapus knobs on the end. I have placed my order with Aspreys of London.

How is your little order for the power plant coming on. I should like you to finalise it as soon a s possible. I have another client in Tehran who would also like it.

If you are interested in the subject, I have also received some very fresh anthrax. This is really some of the finest bacilli you can buy. It comes with a free gift alluminium cased container shaped like a classic Coca Cola bottle. Automatically it plays the theme tune from the Titanic when you open it. Alternatively it can be set to play "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" by Abba. Best before date: 2000.

Your humbug and obedient servant

Grand Vizier of Tartastan, Scourge of all home-owners, nemisis of all pension salesmen, Nirvana of all life insurance issuers. Honary citizen of Albania, Bolivia, Iraq, Member of the Wimbledon under 60's bowls club etc.