A Letter from Australia


To my darling small l lizbeks,

As you are aware, I have had the black shorts on for five weeks now. (For black shorts, see below(*).) Thank you for the support you have given me on what has been a harrowing cavalcade. Full report on war threat upon safe return.

Despite this, meetings with government officials have, almost without exception (more later), been a qualified success. As a treat, note the following official luminaries:

  • The Queen Mother
  • Minister for Peace and Quiet; the heart doctor
  • Minister for Legal Affairs, Golf and Gaming, Procrastination and Late Payment of Fines
  • Minister for Celluloid and Inspired Moments
  • Minister for Aged Driving and Affairs, Sydney connection
  • Minister for Bubble Buttsiere
  • Minister for Cutting and Tailing
  • Minister for the Big Picture

  • Objet de mission: High water level talks with the above Ministries Installation of multi media centre in leafy Kew Promotion of red tape in the southern hemisphere Research into local forms of bureaucracy Re-opening of George's, Collins Street Avoidance of the Republican convention

    Fast Facts:

    State trips to portsea, Bairnsdale and Sydney Unlike Lizbekistan (sadly overlooked for 2000), the infrastructure of Sydney will not be able to cope with the Olympic games, especially if the Minister for aged driving is still on the road.

    Pertinent but not important information: Control of state kitchen still sought by the Queen mother as junket served: see Tolstoy, War and Peace (atp. 1012) and Letter from Latvia and below (**).

    It was with a warm heart that we greeted Princess Liz on her first tour of this nation since the inception of her state. She started nervously, braking twelve times deep into the passenger seat foot recess in the drive from the airport. Our only regret is that she was not accompanied by some of her subjects as as we have no doubt that they too would possess the charm, style and vulgar wealth of their beloved leader. (We also have a lot of empty singles bars, a perfect place for lonely lizbeks in their quest for a location after 9.9.99.) It was with a jealous eye that we came to learn about Lizbekistan, as we are a country troubled by physical boundaries and with a disarming knack for getting things done (eg 2000). We long for red tape (and have ordered two rolls on Dad's account). A full report will be available at http lizbek upon the Princess's return. So Long, State Minister, Australia.

    *Footnote: By a quaint custom, Australian Rules football players wear white shorts when playing home games and black shorts when playing away. Sadly, the phrase has taken on a broader meaning, and Australian males have been heard to say, at the close of an evening, "Ring me on the mobile tomorow morning because I'll have the black shorts on tonight."